I wonder if Father’s Day is hard for you. You count your blessings and remain strong for me, but I wonder if you secretly mourn the babies we lost. I do.
Society tells you to be strong. They tell you to “man up” and not show your feelings, so you rarely do, but on days like this, I wonder if your insides burn with what never came to be.
I can’t help but imagine how you would look holding your own baby. His or her tiny body in your giant arms. The look every dad has in his eyes when he stares at a reflection of himself in amazement. I’m angry that you have been deprived of seeing the miracle of life, a part of you being brought into this world.
Would he have had your beautiful blue eyes, your tall, strong build, your massive calves? Would he have your amazing athletic talent, and your annoying competitive nature? Would she have your ability to turn sun kissed skin into a beautiful bronze tan? Would she have had your smile that immediately makes everyone happy?
It seems the questions never end. Even after nearly 3 years of marriage and no baby, people still ask the inevitable question, “when are you having a baby?” Does your mind scream like mine does? I want to tell them that we wanted a baby, what we went through to try, the losses we suffered and how hard it was to finally give in to God’s plan.
We now know that there are some things in life you just have to let go of, and have faith that this is part of the journey.
When we met, you weren’t sure if you wanted to date a girl with three kids,
5 years later, those blue eyes sparkle when you talk about “our” daughters.
Your arms hold them tight when they need a hug or lock them down when they try to get away. They may not have your bronze skin, but they smile just as big as you when you leap over waves together or build sandcastles in the sun. They may not look like you, but they’re starting to act like you and will carry the lessons you are teaching them throughout life.
On our wedding day you said, “I believe God put me in your path for more than just one reason, I believe it was for 4 reasons.” We didn’t know then, that we’d struggle so much trying to grow our family, but I always knew you were meant to be a dad.
I hope today, and everyday, your heart doesn’t hurt for what never was, but rejoices in what is.
— Lisa Simmerman (@expertlyflawed) June 16, 2017
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